(De)constructing a Chapter

I’m going to do something different with this month’s newsletter. It’s going to be an inside look at my writer’s journey. Consequently, this is going to be a longer newsletter than normal.

I’m working on a rewrite/cleanup of a novella I wrote around 1995. I didn’t have a real title for it but decided to call it The Accident. The second chapter posed some significant issues with what was written. Old thought processes. Missing spiritual elements present in my novel. References to things I didn’t want in there anymore. It was a mess, so I decided to scrap it all and start over.

I’m going to show you the process I used to write the chapter. However, instead of trying to construct chapter two, I’m going to deconstruct chapter one, so you have the starting point to the story.

What the Chapter is about:

Chapter one will introduce the protagonist, Paul Miller (EMT, psi, former sergeant in Army), his partner, Silvia Hernandez (EMT) and their ambulance’s AI, AIMe (Artificial Intelligent Medical computer system which our characters have named Aimee). (There are more characters introduced in the chapter, but I’m only going to show the first few pages, and these three characters are the only ones present.) They are responding to a horrific accident involving an old car from the 1950s colliding head on with an electric vehicle of the 2050s. The assumption is there are no survivors. This takes place in 2054, north of Las Vegas after dark. Our characters are on their way to the accident.

There are a number of elements I need to show in just the first few pages: the Hook, dialogue, dialogue tags/action beats, character descriptions, and some sort of action to keep readers emersed. Other elements I want to include are: Paul’s psi abilities, the AI’s personality, and a bit of humor.

The Hook

This is one of the very important components of a book: the first line. I need something to grab the attention of the reader and make them want to know more. I needed something to sum up what this type of accident would be to an EMT. Assuming all the people involved perished, the EMT would be more of an assistant to the coroner rather than saving life. So, the somewhat crude phrase I came up with was meat wagon run. To try and stimulate thought, the first line is:

Meat wagon runs were the worst.

Some of the questions I hope run through your mind are: what’s a “meat wagon run”? Why are they the “worst”? Now, I have to explain the answers to those questions!

Dialogue

I have tried to include all the dialogue and descriptions from start to finish, but it rarely works out well. If I try to do too much at once, my brain sort of gets stuck. (Think “blue screen of death” on a computer. Time to reboot!) Consequently, I will take a component at a time and make multiple passes to complete a rough draft. In my case, I tend to think about what the characters say to each other first and fill in the other components afterward. I will sometimes add notes about what’s happening. Paul is Christian. Would he send up a prayer to God? How human-like is the AI? Sylvia is a Mexican immigrant. Does she have an accent? All these pieces I need to think about when creating their dialogue. Here’s the rough result.

1)      Paul is driving the ambulance toward the accident site, wondering just what he and Sylvia will find.

Paul       “Aimee, any update on what we’ll find?”

2)      Aimee is the AI. What does Paul think of it/her?

Aimee  “Complying. Initial reports are unchanged. I quote: A twentieth century era internal combustion engine vehicle lost control entering I-15, flew over the lanes, barreled through the dividing barriers and rammed head-on into an oncoming electric vehicle.”

3)      The report is not good. Explain why (old car vs new car). Explain where “meat wagon” term comes from.

Paul       “Dear Lord, too many of these accidents happen here and are almost always fatal. Please let there be survivors.”

Aimee  “I’m sorry, Emergency Medical Technician Paul Miller. I did not understand your command.”

Paul       “I didn’t invoke your name Aimee. That prayer was not directed at you.”

Aimee  “My apologies. Emergency Medical Technician Sylvia Hernandez is in the rear compartment, and I assumed you were talking to me. Query: do you talk to yourself frequently?”

Paul       “Occasionally. When I use dear God or dear Lord, I’m talking/praying to God, not you. Please update your response activation parameters accordingly.”

Aimee  “Complying.”

4)      Paul needs to avoid a vehicle in the emergency lane. He uses his psionic abilities to augment his senses and reflexes to make sure he doesn’t collide with the other vehicle. Big time swerve.

Sylvia   “¡Ay, caramba!” (comes from the back of the ambulance)

Paul       “Sorry, Sylvia. No time to warn you.”

Aimee  “Psionic activity has been detected in the vicinity. Shall I submit a report?”

Paul       “Aimee, do not submit a psionic event report. That was just me.”

Sylvia   “Knock it off, Sergeant Psi. Djou almost broke my nose.”

Paul       “Hey, I said I was sorry.” (Paul not thrilled with nickname—response?)

Descriptions

Now that the dialogue is mostly established, time to add in descriptions of what is happening around the characters. Besides what they can see, are there sounds? Any smells? For this section, I’m just going to add in the pieces I noted in 1) to 4) above:

1)      Paul Miller gripped the steering wheel and raced the ambulance along the express/emergency lane on I-15 north of Las Vegas. Red and blue lights flashed overhead, and the wail of electronic sirens split the air. Fortunately, other vehicles stayed out of his lane.

2)      Paul liked this version of AIMe, the Artificial Intelligent Medical computer upgrade installed today. The 5.0 exhibited a likeable personality, not pushy like the older versions.

3)      The report bothered him. Those old ICE cars didn’t have safety features like their twenty-first century contemporaries and the lighter EVs of today couldn’t take that kind of punishment. The other EMTs from his station called these “meat wagon” runs.

4)      A flashing red dot on the heads-up display in the windshield warned Paul of a vehicle in the emergency lane ahead. He glanced through sun-bleached hair drooping over his eyes at the HUD for options to go around. He absently blew the wavy offenders out of the way. Only one option presented itself. He’d have to dive onto the shoulder.

Not taking the chance his natural abilities would be sufficient, Paul called upon his Mind over Body psionic powers to augment them. Energy filled the muscles in his arms and his vision exploded with new details he hadn’t recognized before. Desert sand blew over the barrier onto the lane like drifting snow. A paper soda cup bounced along the pavement with other pieces of litter.

Without slowing, he veered around the offending car with a few inches to spare between the car and barrier. He hit the accelerator to continue his course.

So now we have some of the sights and sounds of the environment and situation. One more item to consider.

Dialogue Tags and/or Action Beats

Dialogue tags are the “XX said” you commonly see in fiction. Instead of “said”, the tags could be some imperative to the dialogue like: ordered, yelled, muttered. They tell you who said the line of dialogue. If I didn’t put the name before the lines of dialogue in the section above, you’d have no clue who said what.

Really good authors will have their characters have certain mannerisms or sayings to distinguish them from one another. Sylvia has a distinct enough accent “djou” could pick out her lines some of the time. Aimee’s lines are a bit stilted, mechanical (“complying” for instance). Paul, though, is your average Joe, so he could blend in with other characters. So, I need to remind you, the reader, just who said it.

Action beats are little bits of movement a character makes before, during or after a line of dialogue. You don’t normally have a pair of characters just sitting, staring ahead, while talking to each other. No, they glance out the window, nod, call over their shoulder, some little bit of motion to make the characters come to life. I try to use action beats over dialogue tags for this reason.

So, here’s the rough draft of the first 2-3 pages of The Accident. Tags and Beats are in bold.

Meat wagon runs were the worst.

Paul Miller gripped the steering wheel and raced the ambulance along the express/emergency lane on I-15 north of Las Vegas. Red and blue lights flashed overhead, and the wail of electronic sirens split the air. Fortunately, other vehicles stayed out of his lane.

“Amy, any update on what we’ll find?”

“Complying,” a soft female voice replied from the speaker mounted in the dash. “Initial reports are unchanged. I quote: A twentieth century era internal combustion engine vehicle lost control entering I-15, flew over the lanes, barreled through the dividing barriers and rammed head-on into an oncoming electric vehicle.”

Paul liked this version of AIMe, the Artificial Intelligent Medical computer upgrade installed today. The 5.0 exhibited a likeable personality, not pushy like the older versions.

The report bothered him. Those old ICE cars didn’t have safety features like their twenty-first century contemporaries and the lighter EVs of today couldn’t take that kind of punishment. The other EMTs from his station called these “meat wagon” runs.

Paul squeezed the steering wheel tighter. “Dear Lord, too many of these accidents happen here and are almost always fatal. Please let there be survivors.”

“I’m sorry, Emergency Medical Technician Paul Miller. I did not understand your command.”

Paul chuckled. Glitch found. “I didn’t invoke your name Aimee. That prayer was not directed at you.”

“My apologies. Emergency Medical Technician Sylvia Hernandez is in the rear compartment, and I assumed you were talking to me. Query: do you talk to yourself frequently?”

“Occasionally. When I use dear God or dear Lord, I’m talking/praying to God, not you. Please update your response activation parameters accordingly.”

“Complying.”

“Also, you don’t have to use our titles and full names. Our first names will suffice.”

“Complying.”

A flashing red dot on the heads-up display in the windshield warned Paul of a vehicle in the emergency lane ahead. He glanced through sun-bleached hair drooping over his eyes at the HUD for options to go around. He absently blew the wavy offenders out of the way. Only one option presented itself. He’d have to dive onto the shoulder.

Not taking the chance his natural abilities would be sufficient, Paul called upon his Mind over Body psionic powers to augment them. Energy filled the muscles in his arms and his vision exploded with new details he hadn’t recognized before. Desert sand blew over the barrier onto the lane like drifting snow. A paper soda cup bounced along the pavement with other pieces of litter.

Without slowing, he veered around the offending car with a few inches to spare between the car and barrier. He hit the accelerator to continue his course.

“¡Ay, caramba!” A female voice in the back of the ambulance squeaked in vehement protest.

“Sorry, Sylvia.” Paul called over his shoulder. “No time to warn you.”

“Psionic activity has been detected in the vicinity. Shall I submit a report?”

“Amy, do not submit a psionic event report,” Paul ordered. “That was just me.”

Sylvia thrust her head through the divider separating the drive cabin from the rear compartment. Her cropped hair got mussed from the abrupt change in direction. A wire-thin communication headset dangled over her left ear.

“Knock it off, Sergeant Psi.” Sylvia wrinkled her petite nose as she adjusted the commset. “Djou almost broke my nose.”

Paul rolled his eyes at the nickname. “Hey, I said I was sorry.” He glanced in the rear-view mirror and grinned. Sylvia’s frown told him she wasn’t convinced. She shrugged, then pulled herself back into the rear compartment.

               So, what do you think? Want to keep reading? Don’t worry. The first two chapters will be given out for free in the near future.

What Happens after the Rough Draft

I will usually read over the rough draft at least twice, making minor changes here and there. These could be to weed out weak wording, unnecessary adverbs and other technical stuff. From there it goes to my first line of defense: my sister, Faith.

In the writing world, she would be considered a Beta Reader. Beta readers look for plot holes, pacing, consistency and wording. She has been doing a great job at this, especially with the pacing. Next is the critique group at ACFW.

ACFW (American Christian Fiction Writers) has an e-mail loop of writers looking for people to critique their work. You have to critique others in order to have your work critiqued. It’s only fair. When you join, you go through a workshop of items to look for: adverb usage, point-of-view consistency, show don’t tell (don’t just say what happens “Jill ran through the woods”, but show it “Jill sprinted through the undergrowth of the forest, branches slapping her face as she fled her pursuers.”), and other writing technique issues.

There are two ladies in the e-mail loop which have been very interested and have stuck with me throughout Paladin and now with Accident: Shelly McClatchey and Julia Casselman. Both have been wonderful critique partners, picking out wording issues and providing constructive criticisms of my writing. On the flip side, I’ve enjoyed reading and critiquing their work as well. It’s been a very fun collaboration.

Once I receive all the feedback, I review the feedback and make revisions which make sense to the story. In some cases, I’ll resubmit a chapter for critiquing again. I did this with the prologue and first chapter of Paladin and the first chapter of Accident. The feedback in both cases told me the beginnings weren’t fast enough and I needed to cut out the slow parts. If I can’t hook a reader past the beginning, they won’t finish the book.

So, that’s it! All that goes into creating a chapter of my book. Not all writers create in this fashion. This just happens to be how I’ve been doing it.

May God bless you all!

Thanks for reading.

Website Update

        Jones House Creative is going full bore on my new website. I’ve seen mock-ups of the home page and a couple subpages. They look awesome! There are new photos of me, new artwork and even animated elements to the new site. I can’t wait until it’s all complete. It’s been a month or so into development and they anticipated 2-3 months to complete.

The Accident Progress Report

As I’d mentioned last month (and above), I’m working on a novella called The Accident. It’s a bit slow going as this is a 25-year-old manuscript I’m trying to clean up. The first chapter is complete and critiqued. The second chapter ended up being a start from scratch rewrite as I mentioned above. It has finished the first review (Faith) and I plan on submitting to Scribes this week (June 30th). In the meantime, I’ll clean up the next chapter for review. I suspect this novella will be about eight chapters long, so it will consume all of July and part of August. I hope to have the whole story complete by the time the new website is released.